This time I swore, I would not do that again. I would remain cool, calm and centered.
6 year-old Ryan had a stomach bug this weekend but had been 24 hours without any "incidents" by Monday morning so I sent him on his merry way to school with the instruction to let his teacher know if he doesn't feel well. I got a call at noon from the clinic stating Ryan wasn't feeling well. I immediately felt guilty like I shouldn't have sent him to school, but reminded myself that I followed directions. As we got into the clinic, I see that sweet shiny face smile up at me a perkily exclaim "Hi mommy!". Hmmmm... I may have said "Hi" back, or I may have just said- "You don't look like you feel sick" to which he replied, "I am just happy to see you!" Shenanigans I tell you... I took him home and bored him to death by making him watch Super Soul Sunday with me and only allowing him to eat BRAT diet things. Didn't want him to get the wrong idea about missing school.
The next day he woke up cranky. My sweet child Ryan is tricky, he is the sweetest most affectionate kid you could ever meet, but when he doesn't want to do something, he will NOT do it. This is what usually triggers Erik and I. What does a wannabe conscious parent do when your child flat-out defies you??... So instead of fighting him, I got him dressed (literally), and held his hand to the bus stop. He went to school without too much of an issue and the day remained school-nurse-call-free. That evening was soccer practice. There is a running discussion in our house about whether Ryan actually likes soccer or whether he does it because Reid plays and Daddy loves it. Reid lights up when he plays soccer, you can TELL he is enJOYing it. Ryan that night, was acting like it was the last thing in the world he wanted to do, he was letting other kids go in front of him so he didn't have to kick, goofing off, moping around etc. I had to run back and forth a few times to get Reid to his practice but we got through the night and Ryan half-way participated.
Wednesday comes around and Ryan seems okay in the morning but is still showing some reluctance to get ready and do what he needs to do. He told me he didn't want to go to school, to which I explained that he didn't really have a choice in the matter.
The kids have a short day on Wednesday. They got home and we lazed around the house watching HGTV. I took turns snuggling with each child and felt like we were connecting. At some point everyone turned on me!! Reid was mad because (a YEAR ago) we decided to give him $5 a week instead of $1 per year of age for allowance, so he proceeded to blame me that he would never save up enough money to buy whatever it is he is trying to save up for. At some point there was an altercation between Ryan and Reid where Ryan ended up in his room, and then Anna started screaming at me too- oh and I was cooking dinner when this all went down. I told everyone to go outside or clean the house (this was very effective;). Ryan stayed in his room screaming, Anna walked in there and Ryan slammed the door. Next thing I know, I hear Anna screaming and Ryan saying "can I have a hug?" "Can I have a hug?" Reid had gone in to check on them and I look up to see Ryan is hugging Anna around her belly forcibly against her will and then I LOST it!! I screamed LET GO OF HER, YOU WILL HURT HER!! To which Ryan started screaming also and yelling "YOU SCARED ME!!" Eventually, I told Ryan to go take a shower because he was going to bed early. Reid also was told to take a shower. I finally got dinner served and everyone had calmed down by this point. At the table I told the kids that I do not know how to be a good Mommy. That they just hand you this sweet little angel of a child and you are charged with the responsibility of caring for this baby as well as ensuring they always do the right thing AND they become successful. I explained that this is hard stuff. I told them I get frustrated too and feel the same way they do a lot. Reid then generously pointed out that I also forgot to say "please" earlier. It was my way of leveling with them and though I didn't directly apologize for yelling, it was an explanation. After dinner I brushed Ryan's teeth and got him in bed to read a book (it was about 6:30). Ryan went to bed without a fuss and we read a chapter of a book.
Anna came in at some point while I was reading to Ryan and climbed on the bed and wedged herself between us. Ryan again asked her for a goodnight kiss and apparently Anna thinks kissing with your mouth closed is only for boo boos. She stuck her tongue out and went to "kiss" Ryan and then me. This got me giggling like I haven't in a long time. Ryan got this look of wonder on his face and said "I have never heard you laugh like that". Whoah!! That got me. How is it that I so rarely express joy in this way? I do think I am kind of funny some times, I enjoy good humor (even bad humor), but I don't express happiness and carefree joy very often. Oprah recently commented that she is "content" but not often happy. That is how I feel. It feels so good when when I am in joy and happiness.
I am doing the Deepak Chopra and Oprah's 21 day Meditation Experience and this time it is on Happiness. Maybe it is working on me- maybe that is where that belly laugh came from... I don't know, but I am hoping I can find more of it.
Last night, instead of drinking a bottle of wine, which is what I wanted to do, I did some tooling on You Tube. I found some stuff by Gabby Bernstein about manifesting and it led me to her website where I signed in and found a fear release meditation. This meditation was awesome because it allowed me to go back over the day and become aware of all of the fears I experienced and therefore triggered me. The fear that something was wrong with Ryan because he is still not himself a few days after being sick, the fear that my children will not grow up to be outstanding members of society, the fear that Ryan would hurt Anna, etc. Bringing the fears back up and releasing them in the context of meditation was very helpful to me. If you are like me, you see your kid have a tantrum and quickly you get into a place of resistance and fear. Instead of allowing the emotion to play out, we try to squash it- and lets be honest, what adult doesn't have a good emotional outburst periodically?? Instead of recognizing the emotion for simply emotion, we start to fear that something is wrong with our child, that they will not grow up to be that upstanding, successful, and kind member of society we always envisioned they would be! We expect them to behave better than we do ourselves!!
I spent the next hour watching two videos of Dr. Shefali Tsabury. Part 1 and Part 2. She is turning this parenting thing right on it's head. Her big idea is that our kids are here to grow US up- NOT the other way around. They are here to trigger EVERY SINGLE ONE of our little issues. We have 2 options; get triggered and continue to pass on unconsciousness or get triggered and appreciate what part of ourselves need healing and become aware.
My reaction to my children is NEVER about their behavior, it is about ME!! Most of the time when my children act out, if I am honest, they are reflecting back the emotion I am feeling. Dr. Shefali argues that if we could truly connect to our children on a soul to soul level by realizing our children are equal on a soul level, discipline would be a moot point.
Her talk is very compelling and I intend to continue to study her teachings. We all have children for selfish reasons. We have grand plans about what our relationships will look like with our children, but WOW- it does NOT look like that in real life. I have acted in ways that I never thought possible when I held those sweet angels in my arms for the first time.
I intend to continue to share my journey on becoming conscious both as a parent and personally.
Here is to growing myself up, finding my joy, and TRULY connecting to my children!!
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