Despite the really difficult time we had after we had Ryan, we had never ruled out a third child. I can't to this day explain why when we have a relatively comfortably easy time with our 4 and 6 year-old children, we would go and have a baby and start at square one. I have ruminated over why I wanted another child over and over again. I never have a good answer, I am not sure there ever is a good answer. We did decide to go ahead and start trying and I felt like I would leave it in the hands of the universe who has never steered me wrong before.
We had a hard time getting pregnant with Reid. We tried for 10 months before we stopped trying while I went to nursing school. The second round took 4 months. So Reid essentially took 14 months to conceive. Ryan on the other hand was conceived the first month we tried. So I didn't know what to expect this time. Turns out this baby was right in between. I found out I was pregnant the on the 7th month of trying.
Sitting here now 7 weeks pregnant, and still not having confirmation that there is an actual creature in my belly, I have many mixed feelings. Excitement is one feeling, the awe inspiring act of creating a new human being is always exciting. Who will s/he be? What will s/he look like? Will s/he be a he or a she? How will Reid and Ryan be as big brothers? How exciting to feel a baby moving in my belly again, to be able to nurse a baby again. To have baby stuff around the house.
Almost immediately following excitement is fear/worry. What if I suffer from postpartum funk again? What if something happens to me with the pregnancy or delivery? What if I ruined all of our lives by pushing this issue?
The past few weeks since I found out I was pregnant have been alternating these two emotions. Even completely second guessing my decision and wanting to turn back the clock. I cannot turn back now, what is done is done, and obviously the universe felt it appropriate to let me have another child.
I waffle between my spiritual side and my practical side. Love versus fear and worry which are ingrained into my nature.
I guess really all of this thinking doesn't matter though. My job now is to continue to remain present and rise above all of my thought. I am pregnant, I will not become un-pregnant (at least by my own devices). All I can do is give myself the best chance possible to handle the stress that is coming and by all means don't create it myself- which is what I usually do. Keep exercising, meditate, talk/blog about my feelings, enjoy the people in my life, and know that this too shall pass. I can enjoy pregnancy, even the yucky feeling in my belly because I know this will be my last time and the miracle of life is worth it.
This is my chance to step up and apply everything I have learned in my spiritual education. My life is beautiful, and I have grown and learned from every experience I have had and will continue to do so.