Thursday, January 15, 2015
I have been feeling kind of bored lately. I am a project starter- really good about starting projects with more zeal and enthusiasm than most people can handle. I dive into things, learn everything I possibly can about it, then eventually OD on the particular object of my attention and move onto another. Right now, I am in the middle of my debt free project, and I can't do more than I am doing other than keep working extra when I can and be patient. Other than that, my job at the hospital is rewarding, I get to be home with my kids during the week, my marriage is pretty amazing, my family is close by and supportive, our finances are on the right track, I am exercising regularly (thanks again to Erin;), and eating pretty well. On paper, I should just sit here and glow in the perfection that is my life right now. And yet, a recurrent emotion is boredom. This is maybe the first time in my adult life that I haven't had an active project such as planning my career, having a new baby, getting pregnant with a new baby, planning for the birth I want, creating my own business, figuring out how to manage my anxiety, starting another new business, figuring out my spiritual beliefs, starting another new business, starting a new exercise program etc. (my husband LOVES this trait in me;).
Currently, I am in maintenance mode and in a holding pattern. Life goes by everyday with bits of joy, bits of frustration, small wins, small losses and I sit here trying to feel contentment and yet not wanting to get complacent, because I also have the tendency to be lazy and sit on the computer all day wasting away the hours while the house gets messy only then to have a panic attack later that same evening when it is not spotless!! But regardless, there are many moments of contentment and just as many moments of feeling like there is more I should be doing. At the same time I realize THIS IS IT!! Life is now, if it were to change tomorrow God Forbid, I would look back on the relative monotony and sameness of each day with fondness. Brene Brown talks about how parents who have lost children long for the normal times when their kids are slamming doors and screeching at each other. I can totally see this.
I came to the conclusion today that sometimes your spiritual work is done in crisis and craziness- I have been there (see previous blog post). But perhaps in the boredom there is more spiritual work to do. I think I am in a place where I need to lock in some good patterns (Steven Furtick's phrase). I need to lock in exercise, lock in patience, lock in contentment, lock in prioritizing quality time with my family, lock in eating healthy, lock in gratitude, and lock in spending our money wisely. It is time for me to set the patterns that will allow me to succeed when my next project comes to me. This is also a time to find the things that are not working in my life and alter them. Little negative grumblings like complaining, making excuses, and judging myself and others can be replaced with better thoughts or habits such as action, generosity, forgiveness, gratitude, and loving kindness. There are other things I also need to release and work through like my tendency to censor myself for worry of what people will think about me and my INTENSE fear of conflict.
It is also a time for me to reflect on my life and what I want to do with it. A time to think about how I want to stretch myself and face my fears. For instance, I came to the conclusion this week that I need to go on a medical mission trip one of these days, that would get me RIGHT outside of my comfort zone which is a good place to grow.
Perhaps these down times in life are there to allow us to get good at leaning into the present moment and to get good at the life skills that will serve us when the shit hits the fan. I do know for sure that trouble will find all of us eventually, but the better prepared we are, the less it can completely unseat us. For now, it is my intention to continue to find joy in everyday, be aware of abundance, and enjoy more of the same:)