How you feed your baby is NOT the issue...

So much talk lately since a certain formula company came out with the now infamous "mommy wars commercial". Perhaps the commercial had me until the final slide where it said the name of the formula company... I will not harp on this here, but yet again, this is a COMMERCIAL for a product- regardless of the message, marketing is by nature manipulative.

I am so tired of the "mommy wars" topic I could scream. Maybe because my oldest is 9 years old and I have been hearing this stuff for so long, maybe because I am a lactation consultant so I deal directly with one of the hot topics on a daily basis, maybe because I think it misses the ENTIRE point. Maybe because commercials like this make it look like women are sitting around talking smack about each other ALL DAY LONG- (not true, it is hard to scrounge up the energy to talk smack when you are caring for little people and sleep deprived.) 

The ENTIRE issue is that being a parent is one of our most IMPORTANT jobs we could ever have and there are NO guarantees that we are going to do it right and get the perfect kid. Add this to the modern world where we have so many other responsibilities and the lack of a village to support us, and no wonder we are overwhelmed and can cling to a certain way of being.

I LOVE what Brene Brown says on this topic: "Our need for certainty in an endeavor as uncertain as raising children makes explicit "how-to-parent" strategies both seductive and dangerous. I say "dangerous" because certainty often breeds absolutes, intolerance, and judgment. That's why parents are so critical of one another --we latch on to a method or approach and very quickly our way becomes the way. When we obsess over our parenting choices to the extent that most of us do, and then see someone else making different choices, we often perceive that difference as direct criticism of how we are parenting." Did you hear that?? We think that when someone makes a different choice then we do that they are criticizing us- they are NOT, they are making the best choice for THEIR family in THEIR situation!!

I have been around many many mothers in my life and we do not sit around telling each other we are better than the other moms, mostly we sit around trying to figure out how to survive. We all deal with things that are hard for us. I always say that motherhood is about pushing you to your limits, and then making you go even farther. Everyone feels shamed at some point. Breastfeeding mothers feel nervous and judged trying to feed their babies in public, formula feeding mothers feel judged when they feed their babies with a bottle. Working moms feel guilty when they go to work, stay at home moms feel that they "only stay at home with their kids". WE are ALL feeling judged and uncertain ALL the time and yet no one is really judging us besides ourselves.

The issue is NOT what we feel judged for, the issue is that we feel judged at all. I have some news for everyone. All people are thinking about themselves 95% of the time. No one is judging anyone for longer than a split second because we are all so self absorbed and have better things to do with our time. There are some exceptions to this of course, I am certainly not always perfect, but I try very hard to remember the saying- Until you have walked a mile in someone elses shoes...

I truly believe that all moms GET each other. Can we please just all recognize that we are doing the best we can and PLEASE put this mommy wars stuff to rest!! 

Lots of Love,
Jenny

The Hawk Came to Visit

This morning Reid and I bravely walked into the school bright and early to face the music. We sat down with the teacher who went over what the story was and why she chose to handle the situation the way she did. In a way, I felt better, because she wasn't telling me I had an immoral kid, just that this type of situation will not be tolerated and he needs to learn that now. He didn't say anything as terrible as what I imagined. At 9 years old, he can't possibly understand the subtleties of social correctness or the potential ramifications of his actions but choices were made and consequences are now upon us.  

I am hopeful Reid heard what we said and we won't have to address this with him again. He appeared as though he got the message. I trust that he has a beautiful heart- I see it when he plays with his sister. We all do things mindlessly that we come to regret later, so I hope he is able to forgive himself for this. 

I have been triggered by this event. I have been in an emotionally sad and hopeless feeing mood all day. I have done my best to sit with this feeling knowing it won't last and also trying to find the wisdom in the situation. Anytime, I feel this way it is demonstrating the areas in which I need to grow. 

At some point today, I noticed a hawk sitting on our fence. I took a picture with my phone from inside and it seemed to sense my presence and turned it's head 180 degrees to look at me. I was reminded of Elizabeth Gilbert telling Oprah about her tradition of going on a hike on New Years Day and whatever animal she came upon first was her spirit animal for the year. I decided to look up the hawk as a spirit animal and read this: "The Hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. It can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground. The message for you is to be open to hope and new ideas, to extend the vision of your life."

It felt fitting to see the hawk and read this today of all days. I am learning how to fly high and see with perspective the events of my life. I feel blessed today that I got this visit and reminder. Thank you God. 

Rule Follower

Some days your child gets home from school and says "You got the e-mail didn't you?" so you check and realize you did get an e-mail from your child's teacher telling you she has involved the dean in a situation because your child has been speaking about topics inappropriate for a third grader. Meanwhile, you had no idea said situation was even going on, much less that it has escalated to the level of involving the dean. I mean, you try so very hard to be a good parent- how many books on the subject have you read??

For a rule follower who NEVER got into trouble (in school), this is quite traumatic. First you feel tingly, blind-sided shock all over your body. Then as you begin to absorb the situation, you e-mail the teacher back and say "yes- do what you need to do". You tell your child he will not be going to soccer practice today, and please go to your room because I am still in too much shock to know what to do. They do not give you instructions for this in "the manual". 

Slowly, you go through the thoughts like, "what will my friends think of me", "what does the teacher think of me?", "should I have NOT given him the sex talk 2 days ago?", "this is why I should homeschool", "what if my child is a sociopath serial killer?"- (ps- this is akin to KNOWING you have cancer when you have any ailment, anytime a child does ANYTHING wrong, you are sure they will become a serial killer!) 

You talk to your child who assures you in between sobs/yells/screams that this situation IS NOT as bad as you think it is. You plead with him to tell you the truth as you will be meeting with the teacher and will find out if he is omitting any details. He assures you he is indeed telling you the truth. You assure him you are on his side and release him from his room after clarifying that there are only 4 things he is allowed to talk about in school : school work, soccer, computers, and mine craft. 

Meanwhile, the idea of who you pictured your ideal child to be- you know, the idea you concocted while holding this precious little one first in your womb, then in your arms, slowly gives way to the realization that you are the parent to an imperfect HUMAN who makes mistakes just like you do/did. That this journey of parenting is just as much about you and your fear of conflict, imperfection, and judgement as it is about him and your desire for what is "best for him". 

When you discuss this with your husband he is baffled by your reaction to the situation. He says very rational things like "Kids get in trouble all the time", "It is a learning opportunity", and "Hopefully, he makes these mistakes before the costs are too high".He is not too concerned by it, we will just speak to the teacher and go by what she and the dean say. 

As you stand down the barrel of a parent/teacher conference tomorrow morning, unsure if you can even get through it without crying, you reflect on all of this, mostly about your reaction to the situation (because that is all you have control over), but also because you feel like you are "in trouble" too and as a rule follower the shame of this is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world and has NOTHING to do with your child and everything to do with you.

Be Still

I had the amazing honor of hearing Glennon Doyle Melton speak last night thanks to some delightful freinds. Let me tell you folks, Glennon Doyle Melton is what is RIGHT with the world. She takes vulnerability to a new level and I learned so much from her both last night and previously from her blog Momastery.

I have been reading her stuff off and on for the past few years but when I really knew I loved this woman was when I read this article by her: Love Letter to Indigo Girls. I too share an (unhealthy at times) love for the Indigo Girls and they are on their own little planet of music so it is rare I find people who also "get" them. I won't tell you how much credit card debt I racked up in college following them around up and down the east coast, or how many of their songs I learned to play on the guitar, or how I know every word to every song they have written. I have probably seen them over 40 times in concert. They are my church...

But back to Glennon. This article- Perspectacles, was the second time I really fell in love with her. I mean- running water is SUCH a miracle- please read it if you haven't already.

I was so excited to hear she was coming and the tickets sold out before I could get one, so I was super grateful my friend Lisa's friend had some extras. Glennon did not disappoint. She walked right out on stage in this church, immediately took her shoes off and sat criss cross applesauce in the chair. She proceeded to answer questions about her life and her faith while we all watched with rapt attention. I wish I had a recording because I would love to hear it again. I did take some notes on a few things that I loved and wanted to share them here. Of course, I will not be able to get anywhere near recreating her wit. If you ever get a chance to hear her speak- do so!!

The thing that Glennon is known for is her brutal honesty and openness about her past and present. I TOTALLY related to her as she spoke about being an introvert and how she has an inability to make small-talk therefore going WAY deeper in conversations with people who weren't ready for that! Most people are too scared to open up about their issues that make them imperfect, but as Glennon pointed out, by keeping quiet and staying on the surface level of small talk, we go around feeling like we are different and therefore we go around feeling lonely. Deep down where all the joy/shame/anger reside, we are ALL the same. Pain is universal. She even said the first second she starts to feel shame about something, she goes straight to the computer to write about it, it needs to be in the light because only in the light do the "gremlins" disappear. She also said that when she shares her shame, people ALWAYS connect with her with lots of "Me too's". She went on to say that we should all be brave enough to tell the truth about ourselves, but always have the kindness to refrain from telling the truth about someone else. In other words, my work on this earth is on myself, NO ONE else. I don't have the right to tell people about themselves, my job is to be a mirror for others. (not sure if this applies to my kids or not;)

Glennon talked about how she always felt called to write, but how she didn't for a long time because she liked watching TV too much. Once she did actually start writing, she would get up in the morning every day because she said she "knows all the things" in the morning before she gets all the messages from the world. She talked about her cloffice which is where she does her writing (her closet which has a desk in it). I loved what she said about following her dreams as she described writing right next to her husbands underwear, she said "Following our dreams is always boring, unsexy, and hard." I loved this because I always thought following my dreams would be energizing, fun, exciting, and mind-blowing. Not the case... It is a good reminder to find the thing you really are called to do because you are going to need to stick it out even during the boring, unsexy, hard times.

Because this was a presentation put on by a church, a lot of the discussion centered on faith. Glennon called herself a progressive Christian and a Jesus Freak. She spoke a lot about her understanding of God and her relationship to a loving God. She said she is an atheist to the God who is vengeful and discriminatory. She spoke a lot about how since she feels she is forgiven, she therefore knows everyone else is forgiven and she doesn't have to be judgey, just love everyone as they are. She spoke on her doubts as well and how some days she isn't even sure if all this God stuff is true. Whats she said she knows for sure though is that NO human can know everything about God. And so those people who think they know everything about God, are NOT the ones she wants to be hanging out with and yet she tells a story about how she has been called to love these people as well.

Her overarching message though was the one that is also tatooed on her wrist. "Be still". Sit in your pain for just a bit longer before reacting. If we all accepted, embraced, and shared our pain, it could dissolve and the world could become a more peaceful place.

There was not one thing I heard last night that I didn't wholeheartedly agree with. Seriously, this woman is making earth a better place. I aspire to be more like her.

Patterns

My fellow seeker and lovely friend Erin introduced me to a podcast from a North Carolina Church called Elevation. My thoughts on spirituality and my spiritual path could fill many many blog posts, and maybe they will soon, but let me just start by saying this guy is Ah-MAZING!! I have been "scared" of Christians and Christianity for many many years  (not Jesus Christ mind you, just some of his followers using his word to push hate and discrimination). Pastor Steven Furtick is so real and energetic and current that I have truly been sucked into his words. He is someone who has definitely found his calling!! His current series is called The Power of Same in which he talks about routines and patterns we all have and how they are what makes or breaks you.

I have been feeling kind of bored lately. I am a project starter- really good about starting projects with more zeal and enthusiasm than most people can handle. I dive into things, learn everything I possibly can about it, then eventually OD on the particular object of my attention and move onto another. Right now, I am in the middle of my debt free project, and I can't do more than I am doing other than keep working extra when I can and be patient. Other than that, my job at the hospital is rewarding, I get to be home with my kids during the week, my marriage is pretty amazing, my family is close by and supportive, our finances are on the right track, I am exercising regularly (thanks again to Erin;), and eating pretty well. On paper, I should just sit here and glow in the perfection that is my life right now. And yet, a recurrent emotion is boredom. This is maybe the first time in my adult life that I haven't had an active project such as planning my career, having a new baby, getting pregnant with a new baby, planning for the birth I want, creating my own business, figuring out how to manage my anxiety, starting another new business, figuring out my spiritual beliefs, starting another new business, starting a new exercise program etc. (my husband LOVES this trait in me;).

Currently, I am in maintenance mode and in a holding pattern. Life goes by everyday with bits of joy, bits of frustration, small wins, small losses and I sit here trying to feel contentment and yet not wanting to get complacent, because I also have the tendency to be lazy and sit on the computer all day wasting away the hours while the house gets messy only then to have a panic attack later that same evening when it is not spotless!! But regardless, there are many moments of contentment and just as many moments of feeling like there is more I should be doing. At the same time I realize THIS IS IT!! Life is now, if it were to change tomorrow God Forbid, I would look back on the relative monotony and sameness of each day with fondness. Brene Brown talks about how parents who have lost children long for the normal times when their kids are slamming doors and screeching at each other. I can totally see this.

 I came to the conclusion today that sometimes your spiritual work is done in crisis and craziness- I have been there (see previous blog post). But perhaps in the boredom there is more spiritual work to do. I think I am in a place where I need to lock in some good patterns (Steven Furtick's phrase). I need to lock in exercise, lock in patience, lock in contentment, lock in prioritizing quality time with my family, lock in eating healthy, lock in gratitude, and lock in spending our money wisely. It is time for me to set the patterns that will allow me to succeed when my next project comes to me. This is also a time to find the things that are not working in my life and alter them. Little negative grumblings like complaining, making excuses, and judging myself and others can be replaced with better thoughts or habits such as action, generosity, forgiveness, gratitude, and loving kindness. There are other things I also need to release and work through like my tendency to censor myself for worry of what people will think about me and my INTENSE fear of conflict.

It is also a time for me to reflect on my life and what I want to do with it. A time to think about how I want to stretch myself and face my fears. For instance, I came to the conclusion this week that I need to go on a medical mission trip one of these days, that would get me RIGHT outside of my comfort zone which is a good place to grow. 

Perhaps these down times in life are there to allow us to get good at leaning into the present moment and to get good at the life skills that will serve us when the shit hits the fan. I do know for sure that trouble will find all of us eventually, but the better prepared we are, the less it can completely unseat us. For now, it is my intention to continue to find joy in everyday, be aware of abundance, and enjoy more of the same:)

2014/2015

Reflecting on 2014, I am humbled and in awe by how all of my dreams have literally come true (don't get me wrong, we have all worked hard to get here!). I have the family I have always longed for- a supportive husband who is truly my life partner and a co-parent. I have been blessed with 3 incredible children each bringing their light into the world in their own amazing ways. I have an amazing job- where I get the ability to give back and get paid. My husband has an amazing job that he enjoys which provides outlets for him to develop and be creative as well as provide stability to our family. We have close family near-by who contribute to the raising of our children and are helpful in a myriad of ways. We have financial stability (working to make this one even more stable), peace, safety, love, joy, abundance, and any other shiny happy word I can think of.

I am where I want to be in about 99% of my life.  I am very much a goal oriented person which means that instead of focusing on the 99% of my life where I am content, I focus on the 1% where I would like to see change. I thrive when I am working towards a goal, and I think this has been a great benefit to my life- I am very driven and I get what I want 99.9% of the time if I work hard enough. There have been some instances in the last few years though that have highlighted the danger of this way of being. If you really want to check yourself on this, go into sales for a bit.

Being goal oriented means that you are busting your butt to the best of your ability to make something happen. Unfortunately, the timing of when the thing will happen is never in my control- and sometimes when my lack of control in timing becomes highlighted, it can break me down.

The most recent illustration of my lack of control is with our financial situation. We have been chipping away at our debt. We incurred a larger than average amount of credit card debt during the great recession, and when you couple that with our lingering student loans (that is good debt right?), car payments, mortgage and HELOC it is down-right frightening. Hey- we are living the American Dream;). The credit card debt accrual was very gradual and mostly due to a decrease in Erik's income during the recession. We needed stuff, or kids needed to play soccer, sign up for boy scouts, etc. we would just put it on a credit card and deal with it later- unfortunately the "later" was not coming. It all happened in steps and was gradual and in the mean time nothing was changing in our lifestyle (which by the way is not extravagant- we lived with one shower in our house for years!!). I do look back and think my ignorance was a blessing because I think if I had been aware of our financial situation back then, I would have been TERRIFIED!!

January of last year, I realized we needed to get back on track. We made an attempt to pay off our debt before and had paid Erik's car off before having Anna, but having her (which was NOT the best financial plan but certainly the best LIFE plan), put our financial aspirations on hold. We did manage to avoid going further into debt during that time, but we didn't get rid of much of it. January 2014 came and we went hard core first paying off a small credit card, then paying off our van and now focusing on our larger credit card. We paid a total of [$XXXXX- ask me if you want the real number- I am happy to share if you are on your own debt free journey] toward our debt in 2014!!! I find it INSANE that we make enough money to pay that much toward debt, that we have that much debt, and that this amount is a large proportion of my salary!

In 2015 after we pay off the large credit card we have 2 student loans and our new car to pay off. Then on to our emergency fund. If you are curious what we are doing, we are following the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. By the way, we are not even talking about our house in this equation- it is currently underwater and a lost cause for now- we are just making our regular mortgage and HELOC payments.

We have been aided in our quest to become debt free by the grace of God, Erik got a new job with CSX in 2013 which greatly assisted us from an income stance. In January of last year, I also decided to start picking up some extra nursing shifts at night to add to our income.

The problem with deciding to throw all your extra income and your energy into your debt is that life continues to happen in between. During 2014, our paid off car (Erik's 2006 VW Jetta) started to give us trouble. First it was a transmission issue totalling over $2700, followed by 4 other issues in the next 5 months.We paid almost $4200 all together in car repairs from March to August. Now, this was just getting silly. Here I am working extra NIGHT SHIFTS- becoming exhausted and missing nights with my family, all to end up putting that money into car repairs for the car that is supposed to NOT have car payments. The final straw was the morning the car broke before I needed to go to work. We were all officially over it. We ended up going against Dave's recommendation and getting a loan for a new Honda Civic. Let me tell you, it is normally a fun and joy filled event to buy a new car. Not this time- a car payment is the LAST thing to help you on your journey to becoming debt free. We did lots of research and attempted to look for used cars, but in the end a new car was the best deal and felt the most reliable. We also got a great interest rate. Still, I was a bit depressed. The kicker was also that this happened the SAME month we paid off my van. Grrr...

We also decided to enroll Anna in school so I could work more shifts and not inconvenience my family, so this added a monthly expense. 

In October, my father in law passed away. We felt strongly that we should take the boys to Kansas for the funeral, but this was also a large and unexpected expense. We are so very grateful that we were able to be there and have that special and yet sad time with our family.

And then, Christmas- not unexpected, but still a joyful and EXPENSIVE time.

So back to my main point. Being goal oriented requires a certain degree of inflexibility, but being inflexible causes you to forget how far you have come and only focus on how far you have yet to go. I spent a lot of time ignoring how much we have accomplished and focusing on what I was unable to accomplish and allowing it to ruin my mood.

So what did we accomplish in 2014? As mentioned before we paid over [$XXX, I am happy to share if you are on your own debt-free journey] towards the debt we have which included 2 accounts. We managed to pay over $4000 in car repairs in cash, and paid for an unexpected flight/trip, while not accruing anymore credit card debt. Plus Christmas for the second year in a row will be paid for in cash. This is not to mention the kids activities we were able to provide for them, healthy (most of the time) food, clean water, air conditioned air, heat in the winter, shelter, some fun trips with family, a safe home, safe vehicles, family time together, new friendships, and just a really blessed life. My perspectacles are on and I am so grateful for what we have been able to accomplish in 2014.

I am so excited for 2015 when we can chip away even more!! In the mean time though, my intention for the year is to focus on gratitude and relationships with my friends and family. I intend to focus on being flexible with life, and not having a temper tantrum when what I want doesn't happen and my goals are not met in the manner in which I have deemed appropriate. God has always provided for us and it hasn't always been in the way I would have chosen. So I guess this year, instead of listing all of the things I want to happen, I will be quiet and follow my heart doing what is mine to do, I will resist the urge to trust in my own power, but trust that what is meant for me will come in the right time as it always does. Amen:)

Fear

(this was our "no kids" look)

Erik and I returned this week from the trip of a lifetime in Paso Robles, California. We were childless thanks to the amazing support of our family. We went for one of my Best Friend's wedding so we were also with all of my other best friends as well.

This trip was wrought with anticipation and anxiety (from me only, not Erik). Having not ever having left our children for this long before and flying across the country made me feel nervous to be separated from them. I was also worried about what would happen if Erik and I both died (we are so rarely together alone that this doesn't come up much). Anyway, I am a bit type A and a planner so in my head I had to have all of this worked out.

The trip was AMAZING, perfect company, perfect location, perfect events, just wonderful- oh and we didn't die!!. I truly enjoyed myself and had FUN. I tend to be a content and peaceful person, but all-out happiness and fun is something that tends to feel elusive to me (I am working on it;) Being a parent is rewarding, enlightening, and occasionally enjoyable, but there is always the undercurrent of anxiety about the heaviness of raising humans that zaps the fun and happiness out of my day to day life. To have a chance to let loose and know that my children were well taken care of and not my responsibility for 5 days was just such a release.

I am not a drinker, it often ends badly for me so I have just abstained for most of my adult life for fear of regret. On this trip I drank wine (and lots of it- I mean we were in California- it is a rule!). Not enough to feel miserable, but enough for me to RELAX, actually the fact that I drank wine is because I relaxed, (relaxing is not something I am normally very good at). I enjoyed peoples company, I laughed until I peed (thanks 3 kids;). In essence, I felt care free.  Not drinking, for me, has been about fear of losing control I guess. So I actually feel that it is part of my evolution as a relaxed person to have some drinks here and there!!

As we returned home and back to our "real lives", I am struck by how hard I make everything at home. I don't have to be so serious. I can relax at home. I don't have to make myself busy. I don't have to live from my fears. I will admit, I am keeping track of ebola, but really there are a bazillion other things to be scared of as well- your brain with the aid of the news, just decides which thing it will focus in on today. All you have to do is look back in time and realize- now it is global warming, but in the 80's it was acid rain. Now it is Ebola, but 3 years ago it was H1N1. Now it is the fear of pesticides in our food, but in the 20's it was not having enough food. Now it is ISIS but in the 80s it was Russia. Fears are replaceable, it is my mind that chooses to latch on to a particular fear and clutch to it with all it's might with the thought that somehow being fearful can allow me to maintain some control over my circumstances. Fear is NOT true!!! And guess what? Control is an illusion!!

I have a crazy statement to make- I AM GOING TO DIE!! Hopefully, not today, but one day it will happen. It is unlikely that I will look back when I am on my death bed and think- "gosh, it is so awesome that I was so careful and fearful about so much stuff and never let anything bad happen to myself". No, my life review will be highlighting the moments that I looked into Erik's eyes for support during my labor with Anna, the times my daughter snuggled up in my arms, the time that Ryan told me I was beautiful, when Reid gave me that rare spontaneous hug. Like Dori in Finding Nemo expressed "Well, you can't never let anything happen to him, then nothing would ever happen to him." The same could be said about ourselves and how we parent our children. I hope I don't have any regrets, but I can assure you any regrets I have will be for the things I missed out on because of fear.

I believe we are placed on this earth to let our light shine. We need to notice our fears as they arise but then also let them know that we are not going to cater to them. We need to see our fears for what they are- a reflection of the fear of the child we used to be. We need to give ourselves a hug and say all is well. Tell your fear- "I got this". Fear is not adding value to our life. We have a limited number of days on this earth, what a gift to ourselves (and really the entire world) to live each one in a state of openness and peace:) What a gift to be present in your everyday life instead of waiting to find happiness when...

I pray for the strength and courage to live without fear, and that by doing this, my children can learn this lesson too. And so it is. Now we can all go sing Kumbaya:)

Nothing in Particular

I have always liked writing. I have dabbled in blogging over the years and kept a gratitude journal for a while. Every time I have emotional disturbances in my life, writing helps me sort it out. I also decided to start blogging again because recently, I realized that what I love most in the world is connecting with people on a deep and meaningful level. I have chosen a job where I get to do that on a regular basis. I get to connect with mothers who many times are just facing the realization that having a baby is oh so much more than your birth, so much more than picking out cute bedding and buying lots of fun stuff. These moms have just started to ride the edge of sanity that is becoming a new mother. The reality hits hard when you get your first taste of what it really means to care for a needy little creature 24/7 who does not follow a schedule, doesn't appear particularly grateful for what you have just put your body through, screams a lot, and hopefully (if I have done my job right), has lots of bodily fluids to clean up. I LOVE these mothers. I want to take them into my arms and say "This is pretty much the hardest thing you will ever do, it is okay to not feel grateful 100% of the time!", to have occasional thoughts of "What the hell did I get myself into?!", or even feeling mad at the baby because you aren't asking for much after all- just 5 minutes in the shower or 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep!!. This too shall pass, I PROMISE!!

I handled my first baby well (I think, I actually have 4 months of amnesia where I have absolutely NO recollection of what went on). I don't recall any major trauma, my birth was not what I had dreamed it would be, but at the same time, I felt confident that what went down needed to go down that way (planned home birth turning into a hospital transfer and eventual c-section after a long labor due to poorly positioned baby). I always felt at peace with my experience.

After my second child was born (my dream birth, unmedicated VBAC), I dealt with some postpartum depression although my predominant negative emotion was anxiety. I didn't feel sad, but numb with panic attacks sprinkled in, so it took me a while to identify that this was indeed postpartum depression. I remember going to my OB/GYN for my pap smear when my baby was 6 months old, being sooo high strung that I couldn't even relax enough for my milk to let down to feed my baby. A breast exam is pretty much impossible when your breasts are engorged with milk!! I told her, I couldn't sleep, I was having panic attacks, and  I needed help!! She looked at me and said "You are going to be okay, we can tell when people aren't and you are going to be okay". I did NOT feel okay, and she humored me by sending me home with prescriptions for ambien, xanax, and zoloft.

I never took the zoloft, but carried it around in my wallet for months and months (probably expired) just in case.  The ambien helped me sleep a couple of times, but one night I stayed awake all night after taking it and I never took it again. A person suffering from anxiety can NOT handle staying awake after having just taken a sleeping pill!! What helped the most was 1 xanax before bed. I only had to take it a few times and never finished the bottle, but it would chill me out enough to allow me to fall asleep. On paper, it doesn't look like it was that bad, but let me tell you, I have never felt so terrible in my life. I couldn't laugh, I couldn't cry, I didn't even know what joy was, I would obsess about scary things happening, and there were so many nights when I would stay awake all night wracked with panic attacks.

As time went on, I started to learn what my triggers were and how to manage it. At the same time, I did A LOT of spiritual work and A LOT of research about anxiety. I lived and breathed Echkart Tolle's books The Power of Now and A New Earth which explained a lot about the psychology of what was happening and introduced me to my ego and my pain body. In addition, I read numerous books on anxiety especially in women and books on Buddhism and meditation- I wanted to understand what this was because after all,  I was VERY sane and this shouldn't have happened to me. These books were my life line and helped me learn how to handle the panic attacks when they happened and eventually, notice when I was being triggered before I would actually have a panic attack so I was able to prevent some of them.

In a nutshell, what I learned was we all have our neurons lined up a certain way. Any big stressor or major life change can amplify these patterns and give your brain a fast track to your fight or flight response. Before, what may have taken a pretty big event like a bear chasing you, can now can be triggered by nothing in particular.

The more I learned about what was happening, the easier it became. I truly do believe medication can be life saving and necessary people. I wouldn't have hesitated to take something had these patterns re-emerged after I had Anna. But they didn't... I am not sure if I did such a good job doing "the work" that I was able to bypass it, or if postpartum depression is random, or if maybe when I hit menopause and my hormones go crazy it will all come back. What I do know is that what I have learned changed my life and I LOVE talking about it. If we learn the skills to cope during these hard times we can even amplify the beauty in the easier times. I feel like I live a more enriched life now because of the skills I learned during that time.

I think that is why I am drawn to new moms and all moms. I want them to know I never thought I would be one of those women who had postpartum depression, but I did and it was the hardest time I have experienced in my life thus far. It is hard to reconcile that during a time when you "should" just feel grateful and joyous for being blessed with this sweet baby, instead you are screaming inside. I just want any mom out there who is feeling similar to know that you are not alone and I am always happy to listen.

Peace:)

Laughter

Erik is out of town. The last time he went out of town, there was a day when I totally lost my marbles, I acted no better than my children act with each other. It was embarrassing, guilt provoking, and humbling.

This time I swore, I would not do that again. I would remain cool, calm and centered.

6 year-old Ryan had a stomach bug this weekend but had been 24 hours without any "incidents" by Monday morning so I sent him on his merry way to school with the instruction to let his teacher know if he doesn't feel well. I got a call at noon from the clinic stating Ryan wasn't feeling well. I immediately felt guilty like I shouldn't have sent him to school, but reminded myself that I followed directions. As we got into the clinic, I see that sweet shiny face smile up at me a perkily exclaim "Hi mommy!". Hmmmm... I may have said "Hi" back, or I may have just said- "You don't look like you feel sick" to which he replied, "I am just happy to see you!" Shenanigans I tell you... I took him home and bored him to death by making him watch Super Soul Sunday with me and only allowing him to eat BRAT diet things. Didn't want him to get the wrong idea about missing school.

The next day he woke up cranky. My sweet child Ryan is tricky, he is the sweetest most affectionate kid you could ever meet, but when he doesn't want to do something, he will NOT do it. This is what usually triggers Erik and I. What does a wannabe conscious parent do when your child flat-out defies you??... So instead of fighting him, I got him dressed (literally), and held his hand to the bus stop. He went to school without too much of an issue and the day remained school-nurse-call-free. That evening was soccer practice. There is a running discussion in our house about whether Ryan actually likes soccer or whether he does it because Reid plays and Daddy loves it. Reid lights up when he plays soccer, you can TELL he is enJOYing it. Ryan that night,  was acting like it was the last thing in the world he wanted to do, he was letting other kids go in front of him so he didn't have to kick, goofing off, moping around etc. I had to run back and forth a few times to get Reid to his practice but we got through the night and Ryan half-way participated.

Wednesday comes around and Ryan seems okay in the morning but is still showing some reluctance to get ready and do what he needs to do. He told me he didn't want to go to school, to which I explained that he didn't really have a choice in the matter.

The kids have a short day on Wednesday. They got home and we lazed around the house watching HGTV. I took turns snuggling with each child and felt like we were connecting. At some point everyone turned on me!! Reid was mad because (a YEAR ago) we decided to give him $5 a week instead of $1 per year of age for allowance, so he proceeded to blame me that he would never save up enough money to buy whatever it is he is trying to save up for. At some point there was an altercation between Ryan and Reid where Ryan ended up in his room, and then Anna started screaming at me too- oh and I was cooking dinner when this all went down. I told everyone to go outside or clean the house (this was very effective;). Ryan stayed in his room screaming, Anna walked in there and Ryan slammed the door. Next thing I know, I hear Anna screaming and Ryan saying "can I have a hug?" "Can I have a hug?" Reid had gone in to check on them and I look up to see Ryan is hugging Anna around her belly forcibly against her will and then I LOST it!! I screamed LET GO OF HER, YOU WILL HURT HER!! To which Ryan started screaming also and yelling "YOU SCARED ME!!" Eventually, I told Ryan to go take a shower because he was going to bed early. Reid also was told to take a shower. I finally got dinner served and everyone had calmed down by this point. At the table I told the kids that I do not know how to be a good Mommy. That they just hand you this sweet little angel of a child and you are charged with the responsibility of caring for this baby as well as ensuring they always do the right thing AND they become successful. I explained that this is hard stuff. I told them I get frustrated too and feel the same way they do a lot. Reid then generously pointed out that I also forgot to say "please" earlier. It was my way of leveling with them and though I didn't directly apologize for yelling, it was an explanation. After dinner I brushed Ryan's teeth and got him in bed to read a book (it was about 6:30). Ryan went to bed without a fuss and we read a chapter of a book.

Anna came in at some point while I was reading to Ryan and climbed on the bed and wedged herself between us. Ryan again asked her for a goodnight kiss and apparently Anna thinks kissing with your mouth closed is only for boo boos. She stuck her tongue out and went to "kiss" Ryan and then me. This got me giggling like I haven't in a long time. Ryan got this look of wonder on his face and said "I have never heard you laugh like that". Whoah!! That got me. How is it that I so rarely express joy in this way? I do think I am kind of funny some times, I enjoy good humor (even bad humor), but I don't express happiness and carefree joy very often. Oprah recently commented that she is "content" but not often happy. That is how I feel. It feels so good when when I am in joy and happiness.

I am doing the Deepak Chopra and Oprah's 21 day Meditation Experience and this time it is on Happiness. Maybe it is working on me- maybe that is where that belly laugh came from... I don't know, but I am hoping I can find more of it.

Last night, instead of drinking a bottle of wine, which is what I wanted to do, I did some tooling on You Tube. I found some stuff by Gabby Bernstein about manifesting and it led me to her website where I signed in and found a fear release meditation. This meditation was awesome because it allowed me to go back over the day and  become aware of all of the fears I experienced and therefore triggered me. The fear that something was wrong with Ryan because he is still not himself a few days after being sick, the fear that my children will not grow up to be outstanding members of society, the fear that Ryan would hurt Anna, etc. Bringing the fears back up and releasing them in the context of meditation was very helpful to me. If you are like me, you see your kid have a tantrum and quickly you get into a place of resistance and fear. Instead of allowing the emotion to play out, we try to squash it- and lets be honest, what adult doesn't have a good emotional outburst periodically?? Instead of recognizing the emotion for simply emotion, we start to fear that something is wrong with our child, that they will not grow up to be that upstanding, successful, and kind member of society we always envisioned they would be! We expect them to behave better than we do ourselves!!

I spent the next hour watching two videos of Dr. Shefali Tsabury. Part 1 and Part 2. She is turning this parenting thing right on it's head. Her big idea is that our kids are here to grow US up- NOT the other way around. They are here to trigger EVERY SINGLE ONE of our little issues. We have 2 options; get triggered and continue to pass on unconsciousness or get triggered and appreciate what part of ourselves need healing and become aware.

My reaction to my children is NEVER about their behavior, it is about ME!! Most of the time when my children act out, if I am honest, they are reflecting back the emotion I am feeling. Dr. Shefali argues that if we could truly connect to our children on a soul to soul level by realizing our children are equal on a soul level, discipline would be a moot point.

Her talk is very compelling and I intend to continue to study her teachings. We all have children for selfish reasons. We have grand plans about what our relationships will look like with our children, but WOW-  it does NOT look like that in real life. I have acted in ways that I never thought possible when I held those sweet angels in my arms for the first time.

I intend to continue to share my journey on becoming conscious both as a parent and personally.
Here is to growing myself up, finding my joy, and TRULY connecting to my children!!

Pain Bodies

After I had my second child, I got to know my pain body very well. Eckhart Tolle defines the pain body as "an accumulation of painful life experience that was not fully faced and accepted in the moment it arose. It leaves behind an energy form of emotional pain. It comes together with other energy forms from other instances, and so after some years you have a "painbody," an energy entity consisting of old emotion"

I have found this information life changing. Now when I start to feel negativity coming on, part of me is able to watch it and know that this is really just my pain body coming out for a snack. This explains how I can start out the day totally fine and something trivial will send me into a tail spin. 

I have also found this information useful in my parenting. Last night while I was saying prayers with my boys, my six year-old was being silly from the top bunk. He threw his pillow pet at his brother below. He was warned not to do that again, but next thing I know, I got a nailed in the face with said pillow pet. The pillow pet was removed from the room and what ensued turned into a full fledged melt-down that lasted about 20 minutes. I eventually moved my older child into our room so he could go to sleep and told Ryan that he could try again to get his pillow pet back tomorrow. 

He screamed A LOT- with lots of "I want my pillow pet!!!", he even told me "Mommy, you are awful!". 

What was different for me this time was that I didn't get frustrated as I normally would when it is 9:00 and I want to be let off the parenting clock so I can go watch American Idol. This time, I went back in his room and asked how I could help him calm down since he was not getting his Pillow Pet back tonight. The first time I went in, I rubbed his head and he proceeded with the screaming. I told him to let me know when he was ready to calm down, but that would involve him accepting that he wasn't getting the pillow pet back. After a few more minutes, he called for me and I sat with him for a bit, but there was still a lot of pillow pet yelling, so I told him to call me again. I also asked him if his body felt bad right now, he said his body did not feel good. I told him he had the ability to "change the channel" in his brain and think different thoughts. He did not take me up on that suggestion at this time;)

I went out again, and then we heard him open his door, he stormed out and walked to our bedroom, he informed us he was getting his pillow pet- he was again told that he was not getting his pillow pet at this time. So more screaming, but when he went back to his room he closed the door without slamming it which is a HUGE measure of self-control for him. So I went back in scooped him up and tried to snuggle it out of him, he tried to squirm away saying- "I am tired and I want to go to sleep".

I laid down next to him and rubbed his feet and his head. He eventually calmed down and went to sleep. 

I learned a lot from my baby last night. I was able to maintain the consequences for his action, but also be a loving present parent. I was able to recognize his pain body and disassociate it from him so I didn't allow anger to enter into my consciousness and skew my parenting. I saw what my normal reaction would have been and chose another route. I saw that we ALL have experiences with our pain body when we are adults, we just may not have an all out temper tantrum- which honestly might help the pain body exit sooner. We just decide to numb it by eating, drinking alcohol, running, watching tv, or playing Candy Crush. You could replace the sentiment "I want my pillow pet" with "I don't want to pay any more money to fix my car!!" or "I don't want my boyfriend to leave me!!", or "I don't want to be listening to my child scream when I have Downton Abby to watch"!! It is all the same, and the only way we can dissolve the pain body is by watching it, recognizing it, and accepting it. The resistance to the negative feelings we experience, the ignoring, and the numbing only make it come back that much stronger later. 

I hope with all of my heart that I can continue to recognize my own pain body and can help my children recognize theirs. I hope that I can sit with them while they feel it so that they don't build up their pain body. They will have things in their lives that make them feel AWFUL, what would happen if they learn how to just feel the feelings and then release them instead of pushing them down only delaying having to deal with them.

PREGNANT!!!

Despite the really difficult time we had after we had Ryan, we had never ruled out a third child. I can't to this day explain why when we have a relatively comfortably easy time with our 4 and 6 year-old children, we would go and have a baby and start at square one. I have ruminated over why I wanted another child over and over again. I never have a good answer, I am not sure there ever is a good answer. We did decide to go ahead and start trying and I felt like I would leave it in the hands of the universe who has never steered me wrong before.

We had a hard time getting pregnant with Reid. We tried for 10 months before we stopped trying while I went to nursing school. The second round took 4 months. So Reid essentially took 14 months to conceive. Ryan on the other hand was conceived the first month we tried. So I didn't know what to expect this time. Turns out this baby was right in between. I found out I was pregnant the on the 7th month of trying.

Sitting here now 7 weeks pregnant, and still not having confirmation that there is an actual creature in my belly, I have many mixed feelings. Excitement is one feeling, the awe inspiring act of creating a new human being is always exciting. Who will s/he be? What will s/he look like? Will s/he be a he or a she? How will Reid and Ryan be as big brothers? How exciting to feel a baby moving in my belly again, to be able to nurse a baby again. To have baby stuff around the house.

Almost immediately following excitement is fear/worry. What if I suffer from postpartum funk again? What if something happens to me with the pregnancy or delivery? What if I ruined all of our lives by pushing this issue?

The past few weeks since I found out I was pregnant have been alternating these two emotions. Even completely second guessing my decision and wanting to turn back the clock. I cannot turn back now, what is done is done, and obviously the universe felt it appropriate to let me have another child.

I waffle between my spiritual side and my practical side. Love versus fear and worry which are ingrained into my nature.

I guess really all of this thinking doesn't matter though. My job now is to continue to remain present and rise above all of my thought. I am pregnant, I will not become un-pregnant (at least by my own devices). All I can do is give myself the best chance possible to handle the stress that is coming and by all means don't create it myself- which is what I usually do. Keep exercising, meditate, talk/blog about my feelings, enjoy the people in my life, and know that this too shall pass. I can enjoy pregnancy, even the yucky feeling in my belly because I know this will be my last time and the miracle of life is worth it.

This is my chance to step up and apply everything I have learned in my spiritual education. My life is beautiful, and I have grown and learned from every experience I have had and will continue to do so.

The 3rd Child Dilemma

So whenever my life seems to reach a state of ease and lightness, inevitably I feel the need to do something to stir it up again. I cannot figure out the motivation for this, other than I guess it is human nature. At this point in my life, I don't really have any further career aspirations. I am not sure if I still want to be a midwife and if I do- I am sure it is not at this point in my life. My current job helps pay the bills, allows me to be the kind of mom I want to be, and I do occasionally feel I get to touch peoples lives. So with no career aspirations, what keeps coming up for me as a repetitive thought is whether or not to have a third child. I am completely bipolar on this topic either emphatically stating ABSOLUTELY NOT, or conversely thinking it would be fun to do it again. No matter what I tell myself I think about it though, it is always there simmering in the background. Everything that happens in my life gets reviewed under the filter of "with a third child" this would have happened, or this siutation would have been handled this way.

In a perfect world, I would love to have another baby. If I could guarantee I would not have the same emotional issues I did last time. If I could be assured that I have enough time and love to give to the two amazing boys I already have in addition to another DEMANDING person. If I was able to be a little more flexible with my job and get more family time. If we had more money, less of a copay, another bedroom, and the list goes on.

I tend to get sucked in to the romance of having another baby- when having been through it twice, I know better. It is nothing but the hardest most labor intensive work on top of getting NO sleep and having your crazy person hormones raging. Don't get me wrong, there are some random incidences of sheer joy thrown in to keep us mothers from running away screaming to the mountains to live in a tent alone.

The amazing thing that came out of my "troubles" after having Ryan is a desire to become a spiritual seeker. I feel that I am on the brink of finding a way to flow with life and surrender to the inevitability of hard times. I am learning how not to add more pain to my life by struggling against the flow. I am even to a place where I can be thankful for hard times as those are the times when growth is possible. Being a mom has been the most useful tool for this as there are many times when I get to practice my skills. What I have learned makes me think that maybe just maybe, I could handle having another child- and not only that, but maybe I could even enjoy having a newborn again...

There are days as a mother where I feel fulfilled and in awe. Grateful and honored that I was chosen to care for these amazing little souls. I have SUCH a desire to help these people become whole and suffer as little as possible. When you really get down to it, it is a humbling and FRIGHTENING experience. I have other days when all I want to do is sit down at the computer and finish balancing the checkbook which should take about 5 minutes and I get interrupted 5 times- "Mommy can I have my next breakfast", "Potty please mommy", boys fighting- mommy has to intervene, someones mouth needs to be wiped, someone needs help with a toy. These are the times when I get impatient and snippy, I just need 5 minutes!!! These days I think, "HOW can I possibly have another child?!"

There are so many reasons NOT to have a third child- all stemming from fear. What if the next baby wasn't healthy and I had to devote all of my time to him/her and the other two get neglected. I worry about making Ryan a middle child. What if I did have anxiety issues after having the next baby. How will we fit 3 teenagers in our house, how will we SURVIVE with 3 teenagers. Are we pushing our luck by having a 3rd when we have already been blessed with 2 healthy wonderful children? How can I go through the FEAR of having a baby again- vaccines and illness. How can I go through pregnancy again?

On paper, there is really no discussion- the cons list is pretty big! So what is it in me that keeps bringing it up? Is it a biological desire to procreate (akin to why men think about sex so much), is it spirit urging me to have another. Is it a power trip that I just think it is so cool that Erik and I can make a person that the idea is just too intoxicating to pass up? Is it the tiny knock of another soul asking to come through Erik and me? It is so hard to know. When I look into the faces of Reid and Ryan how can I feel anything but amazement. Of course all of that torture was worth it!! The difficulty of the job is mirrored on the other side by how joyful and amazing it all is. All the terror, frustration, and heartache you have as a parent is repaid when you feel two little arms around your neck or when you hear "wuv you mommy". And despite how it feels when you are immersed in dirty diapers, screaming, and puke, it really does FLY by. As I sit here looking at my child who will be 5 in a few short months and my BABY who will be 3 in 6 months it is hard to figure out where the time went.

Two kids for our family was a given. We both came from families with 2 siblings. The world is made for families of 4, There are logistical ramifications for having a family of 5. If we decide to have a third it will feel like jumping out of an airplane- you are pretty sure everything will be okay- afterall people do it all the time, but you are still praying like hell for that paracute to open. It would make a most intense twist in my spiritual journey, that is FOR sure.

Mommy Needs a Time Out!!

I saw a great commercial where a mother storms past her misbehaving children and shouts "Somebody needs a time out!!", she proceeds to go into her own room and slam the door.


I have come to realize that the relationship that is of primary importance to me is the one with myself. I cannot be expected to be the best I can be for others if I am not nurturing my body and spirit. While parenting is very rewarding at times, most of the time it is about giving of yourself and not receiving. It takes a lot of work (and may not even be possible) to not let parenting drain you of all of your energy. There is definitely value and character building in this as well though, so I think it serves a purpose. How though, do you work in some me-time at a time in your life where you can't even take 5 minutes in the bathroom to poop without a little person coming to search for you? When you do carve out a bit of time for yourself, how best should you use that? I have been known to waste HOURS on my computer accomplishing nothing but wasting my minutes away. Sometimes you need this too!! I know though, I feel much more fulfilled when I use my time in a productive manner.

I have fortunately been lucky that both of my children have been good nappers (not good night sleepers but that is another story). As soon as possible, I tried to make their naps at the same time in the afternoon. I LIVE for that hour or two in the afternoon when the house is silent, the children are contained, and I can do whatever I want!! I try NOT to do housework during that time for a couple of reasons. A. I need to recharge my batteries after being with the little boys all morning. B. I think it is good to involve my kids in housework and as an added bonus they like "helping".

Reid, my 4 year-old is reaching a point where he doesn't always NEED a nap. He still gets 2 hours in his room and it is his choice whether he sleeps or not. We all need a break from each other by the afternoon. I like that I know he has 2 hours of down-time with no TV or craziness. I also like knowing that he made the decision whether or not to sleep. Surprisingly, he still usually sleeps.


In the past few months, I have also developed another strategy. This is something I would have NEVER thought possible, but I actually try to get up and showered BEFORE the kids get up. There is a lot to be said for the first sounds you hear when you wake up not being "mommy I want..." For a while I had a great thing going with my neighbor. We would walk almost every weekday morning. That made me HAPPY!! I was able to start the day out with peace, exercise, and adult conversation. Plus adding someone else in the mix guaranteed that I would actually get up and not fall prey to the lure of more sleep that tends to happen when I only have to answer to myself. Getting out of bed early in the morning is almost torture, but once I am up I am always grateful to myself.

Exercise is a HUGE one, and one that helped keep me sane in my worst times. I would put Eckhart Tolle on my IPod and walk for 30-45 minutes around my neighborhood. I can tell my anxiety is waning now because I don't HAVE to exercise to feel in control of my sanity. I have always been lucky to be thin, so have never had weight as a huge motivating factor to exercise. Now that I have realized how amazing I feel after a good walk though, I am drawn to it. I am greatly looking forward to daylight savings time in a couple of weeks when I can get an evening walk in before dark!! My other favorite form of exercise is yoga. I am looking forward to the fall when both boys are in school so I can pick that up again. There is something amazing in that yoga somehow manages to work you out and relax you.

Another thing I have started doing to try to get quality time with myself is meditating. I put the kids down for their nap and I go into my room and set a timer for 21 minutes. I sit on a pillow and try not to fall asleep, since that is what my body thinks it should do when I stop moving!! I researched meditation a lot because I had a hard time finding how to do it. The simple answer is, just sit down and try to stay present by focusing on your breathing. This is impossible, so the goal is to catch yourself when you start thinking and be aware of it. I have really been pleased with the results from adding this into my day. We are so bombarded with images and activity all day that we have forgotten how to just sit and be. We ALL have attention deficit disorder it is no wonder that our kids also do!! To me meditation organizes my brain a bit, allows me to be aware of the thoughts that are circulating, and when I stand up I am more clear-headed and peaceful. I will warn you though, 20 minutes seems like 3 hours sometimes!!!

Another aspect of my life I am trying to work on, is trying to find ways to tap into my creative side again. I picked up my guitar yesterday. I don't realize how much I miss my music until I pick it back up again. Music was my whole life for much of my younger years, so when I start playing guitar or singing it is like coming home (well it would be if I didn't need LOTS of practice!!). This is great because it is a way I can nurture myself but also involve my children. They also love music and I hope one day will play their own instruments.

Finally, I am trying to write as is obvious. Writing is very similar to meditation to me. It gets all the circulating thoughts out of the way and makes mental space, which is my goal!!It is my hope that I can write as therapy for myself, but also maybe something I write will help someone else which is an added bonus!

I think it is really easy to view nurturing ourselves as more work, but this work will pay off in the short term and in the long term. Ignore your messy house for a bit and take 20 minutes to just be.

Presence in Parenting

I have always considered myself as sane as sane can be. Sure I have issues and random elements of quirkiness that come up occasionally. I have been known to exhibit a little bit of OCD here and there- but overall I am just like everyone else right? Right, except what I am learning is, that we are all teetering on the edge of mental illness!!!

After I had my second child, all of my issues came to a big fat head. After running on a pretty consistent level of anxiety for my entire pregnancy over whether or not I would have a c-section, I was hit right smack in between the eyes with a postpartum anxiety disorder. Of course I didn't know that at the time. At the time my body was just overcome with fear and dread, stuck in a constant fight or flight response with nowhere to unload it. It took me a few days of being in the hospital diagnosed with preeclampsia to realize that my illness was not consistent with my diagnosis, I was just mentally sick, which to me was much, much worse.

I have continued to experience "episodes" of extreme anxiety. They are unpleasant to say the least, and bring with them a host of awful thoughts and moods. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. It has been a long 2 years of soul searching, pain, and suffering. Would I trade it? It's hard to say, I wish it hadn't been necessary in order to get me where I am today, but in truth, it has been the biggest blessing and teacher of my life.

Throughout this time, while I had a prescription in my posession, I resisted taking an antidepressant . I used an occasional medication to help me fall asleep. It seemed apparent though, even when the only thing I wanted was to be put out of my misery for a couple of days, that it was not the answer for me. It would MAYBE help control the symptoms, but it would not alleviate the cause. Plus, to me the potential side effects were scarier than my experiences. (I feel the need to say that this is MY experience, I do not condemn any woman for her choice to take medication).

My sons birth coincided with Oprah and Echkart Tolle doing weekly lessons on Tolle's book "A New Earth". What I learned from this helped save me from plunging into the deapths of despair or ending up in a mental hospital for a cool down session. I started to believe that I had the power to alter the patterns in my brain that caused me to spiral into these anxiety attacks. What I have learned is that your thoughts are more physiological than anything. You have NO control over your thinking 99% of the time and your thinking is what determines your moods. The whole key is to be present and be aware of everything happening at any given moment, including the thoughts swirling around in your mind. While it is not too terribly complex of an idea it is VERY hard to put into action.

2 years later as I sit here, I feel like my life is pretty much perfect. I still have my times when the negativity creeps in, but they are shorter and less pervasive. Now that my eyes are open to this notion of presence, I see it being taught everywhere and I believe that this is the secret to living a joyful and peaceful life. Presence is making me a better mother, a better wife, and a better nurse. I still have so far to go though, and the challenges of being a full-time mother give me lots of field training. No one really sits down and gives you a parenting manual because there isn't one right way to parent, but I believe you can be assured that if you are truly present you will be the best parent you can be.